Tag Archives: Depression

For Today

When we clothe ourselves in the past
we are suffocating our future
like a wool scarf wrapped around the neck
during a long, stifling summer

These photographs on the wall
a reminder of all we have worked for
all we have accomplished
the adventures and the love

I could cry like I did yesterday
and long for the good times
the beginning of a journey
that would indefinitely change its course

I could enshroud myself in regret
and guilt and longing
like I have many times
looking through the cracked mirror

But then I am not breathing
am not truly living
So I must inhale the air of the present
nod to those smiling photographs

Know I have done good in this life
and there is much more to do
unravel the woolen suppression
unbound by the virtue of today’s truth.

 

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Time, exxasperated

To the brink of tears over this devilish concept time
yet it is as concrete as mathematical equations
(perhaps a parallel universe where time actually does stand still exists)

Live in the moment we say to our ADD brains
and sometimes we do
These days it does not compute

The clock is spinning and there is a lump in my throat,
heaviness in my heart
from all these sunrises and sunsets seemingly happening within seconds of each other

And I am not getting younger
and neither are you

I don’t like it like this

I need space and freedom and time
time to just sit with you
and watch the tops of the trees
time to breathe
to just be.

clocks

image courtesy of pretzellogic.org

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The Dark Chasms

I have walked away from the dark chasms
have left them behind
I kick them away from my mind
when their dark entrance beckons me to enter
I cannot hesitate for a moment
there is no place for me there
These shadows of misery
are just beyond the green grasses
like a hideous painting
hanging above the kitchen table
Like the whispers of voices from inside
that are not your own
Tear-soaked pillows, shattered porcelain
and torn photographs strewn about its
cavernous corners
Every day unvisited
a growth of heavy underbrush overtakes
the jutted opening
A sign from the Light
The slow decay of the dark.

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Filed under Sunday Night Sonnet

A Conversation with Myself

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“I don’t want to adult today.”

“Why not?”

“I just don’t feel like it.”

“Well that’s not a good excuse. I don’t feel like doing a lot of things.”

“But I just don’t wanna!”

“Not good enough.”

“I want someone to take care of me today. Make me breakfast. Serve it to me. Give me big hugs all day. Do my laundry. Rub my feet.”

“Not gonna happen.”

“Hmmffff. I know.”

“Well?”

“Well what?”

“Well what are you going to do now?”

“Sit here and sulk. Stare at the blank TV screen. Not work out. Not write. Not talk to anyone. I don’t want to talk to anyone today. I don’t want to go to the grocery. I don’t want to adult today.”

“Put your big girl panties on and do it. DO IT!”

“Alright! Stop yelling at me.”

“I’m not yelling. I’m motivating.”

“Ugh.”

“Alright. I’m gonna write. I’ll get up and go to the computer.”

“Good!”

“But I don’t know what to write. I know what I want to write. But I don’t know if I should. I don’t like putting myself out there.”

“Come on. You know how it is. Any artist has to put themselves out there to share his craft or else it is wasted. And it balls up inside and has nowhere to go.”

“I know.”

“So start small. Just write. First thing that comes to mind. Who cares?”

“You’re right. Ok. I’ll put my big girl panties on. I’ll put my big girl panties on. And I’ll write about our conversation.”

“That’s good!”

“Ok I’m doing it now.”

“Great.”

“But I still don’t want to adult today.”

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Facebook Depresses Me

I took a 5 month hiatus from Facebook a while back. For various reasons, one being I just didn’t need or want my personal life spilled out there for everyone to see, I needed to get “off the grid” FB style.

Coerced by coworkers to get in the loop of our funny office photos I recently got back on.

Immediately two comments popped up. Glad you’re back! They read. Wow I hadn’t realized I’d been missed.

I have been slow to get back into the trappings of Facebook. And I don’t think I’ll ever have the love affair (or perhaps it was just obsession) I once had. And thank goodness. Because there were so many times after I spent 45 minutes trolling my news feed I would walk away with this heavy and negative feeling in my soul. These things did not add happiness to my life:

Photos of me two years ago. Young and fit. Damn I’ve aged.

Ridiculously happy families/couples.

People I never see anymore.

Family I lost touch with.

Babies I didn’t know people had.

Birthdays I missed.

Extravagant meals which make my shitty excuse for dinner depressing and demoralizing.

Movies/TV shows/news/celebrities I know nothing about because I live in my own self-imposed hibernation.

Political rants from friends I thought were more open and accepting.

And for those reasons I do not spend endless wasted minutes watching to see what everyone else is doing or saying while I should be on WordPress tapping into my creative soul! Or outside listening to the birds sing and watching the tree limbs sway. Or engaging with the person in front of me instead of my face stuck in my phone.

But I am not a total begrudged hater. Facebook does have its positives. Maybe I shouldn’t be blaming Facebook. I mean what did Facebook do but merely exist? Just trying to connect people and ideas and photos and lives? These are the reasons I still have an account:

I get to see photos of my nephews living their lives. Without this I would not have such a sweet visual insight into their daily/weekly lives.

All my awesome high school and college friends and the success of their creative endeavors.

The first neighbor I can ever remember and how she still has those curly locks and now a family and house of her own.

That friends and family alike are still out there, breathing, baring their souls or just sharing a recipe.

I can spend as little or as much time on Facebook as I wish. No one is force cramming it down my throat. It is my choice. So I choose to troll occasionally. And not deem it necessary to post every thought I have or every place I go. And to brag about my kid or not. And to try to take away the things that make me smile. And the things that leave a heavy space will just have to be let go and float away with all the other negativity that does not have a place here.

facebook depression

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A Bright Mind

The mind–
not always a happy place
It has been taken over
by the dark rumble
of mother nature’s
mocking morning
And echoes of human
mockery
mistaking smiles for
unwelcoming invitations
But perception is reality
and my castle made of sand
my muscles flaccid
But still here I stand
I can’t cower in the corner
let the rumble take me over
although when that storm cell
passed through last night
I imagined it sucked me up
into it
and twirled me around
spinning in its cleansing,
forgiving arms
then spat me out
to be whole again
to let the light back in
to tear the muscles
into stronger flesh
to rid the mind of the rumble
the echoes
the doubt
bringing about truthful smiles
a stone castle
gentle echoes
open heart
and bright mind.

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The Ultimate Duel

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Draw your sword
it is time to fight
to rise above 
the madness of the mind
Fear is crippling 
hopelessness death
and they creep so stealthily
surprise surprise
But do not cower in the corner
Parry 
Confront
Attack
And if you find
you are on your knees
stand up and do it again
Draw your sword
it is time to fight
it has always been
For the battle between
a human's ears
is the ultimate
duel.

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