Tag Archives: Writing

December 31, 2016 · 11:06 am

The Inevitable Come-down from Christmas and that New Year’s Resolution List

OK so it happened again. There was a definite come-down two days after Christmas for me. Did it happen to you, too? This was a particularly zen holiday so that makes it worse. I didn’t Scrooge one second this year. But since I was a chubby cheeked toddler and all the Christmases in between the come-down creeps in. Like New Year’s morn when your head is pounding and the clock to punch back in at work is ticking furiously.

I know the holidays aren’t great for everyone. But can I wax mystical about mine this year? Just for a minute.

It was so peaceful. None of my perfectionism reared its ugly annoying little sharp-tongued monster head. My son said it was “The best Christmas ever!” He says that every year but for some reason I think he meant it most this time. We saw lots of family and friends and also had quiet time at home. Our usual traditions still intact (although our fave Indian restaurant was closed on Christmas Eve so we had Thai instead. And they gave me a gift of hugging hippo salt and pepper shakers!) Me and my son’s dad, or as I will now call him my co-parent, had a truly lovely time together. Like old friends again. No stress. No high expectations. And the weather was fabulous.

So I had my little come-down pity party after. I had a short cry in the shower. It would have lasted longer if “Cat’s In the Cradle” had shuffled on my iPod.

Now onto the list. There have been years where I was like, “I’m not gonna participate in making that ridiculous resolution list. They all list-fully fall away in a matter of months or even weeks anyhow.”

But in my concerted effort to continue the forward motion of zen, I shall make one this year for sure. So off the top of my clear head here it is.

  • Lower my expectations and put a pillow on top of the mouth of the perfectionism monster.
  • Give gratitude. Every day. And infiltrate this into my son’s brain as well.
  • Have more game nights.
  • Less technology. Or at least stop bringing my phone to the dinner table. And infiltrate this into my son’s brain as well.
  • Write more.
  • Balance work-life. Try to stave off exhaustion and have a dinner party once in awhile.
  • Get to the beach more. Even if just for 30 minutes to watch the sunset.
  • Let go of the things I can’t control, like my son being an almost teenager and not loving all the things I like to do.

So there it is. I’m sure I could add more but I’ll stop now. Eight is my favorite number anyway. The first and the last on the list are definitely the most difficult.

I’ll refer back to this list in times of turmoil. And look back to the zen of Christmas holiday 2016. What are your resolutions? I’d love to know.

And oh yes, I wish you a beautiful 2017. Happy New Year!

 

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December 11, 2016 · 10:21 am

Post It

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It’s been over 2 months since I’ve written. I’ve sat down at my computer multiple times since then and just stared at the blank, white screen. But nothing. I can’t type a word. I’ll think of a dozen ideas and lines when I’m biking, driving, scouring the aisles at the grocery store, walking up the gravel drive toward the classroom to work. But at the computer, NOTHING.

I don’t like writing about not being able to write. I’ve done it several times on this blog. But what’s a writer’s blocked mind to do?

I’m hoping at least this will unclog the faucet and let something flow again.

It’s been one crazy 2+ months. So much so that I can’t even divulge it all. Let’s just say I’ve dealt with death, loss, sickness, physical pain, emotional pain, disappointment, anger, sadness, despair, sometimes all those negatives at once. Most of it being out of my control, which makes it that much worse.

However,  among all that imperfection and just plain suckiness a warm blanket covers me with children’s hugs that squeeze me from the core, family support I forgot I had, the kind ear of friends, a rogue, sweet birdsong in the middle of a dark silence.

I told one of my dear friends if we don’t have Hope, we have nothing. There is always hope here, even in somber moments when the only faucet flowing are the salty tears plopping down my neck.

I’m grateful for so many things. There is light and laughter and happiness. And that’s what keeps me, all of us, afloat.

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October 8, 2016 · 8:52 am

To Create

Creators and inventors
before our time
Could they have had an inkling
of what’s to come?

To understand our future
is to know our history
That’s what I tell the children
when they sigh in boredom

All the Haikus in the world
The undiscovered
scribbled poetry
Every painting made famous
long after the painter
left this realm

Can one word
one stroke
one snapshot
one chord
change the world?

The question as ridiculous
as toy glass

But we must continue to ask it

Don’t put away the pen
The world’s heart cannot survive without
it.

leonid_pasternak

Image courtesy of waldenwritingcenter.blogspot.com

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May 2, 2016 · 10:31 pm

In the Quiet of the Evening

In the quiet
the quiet of the solitary evening
my ears are laid to rest

I do not have the usual music playing
to remind me
to excite
to awaken
to inspire me

Instead there is stillness
a slight hum from the motherboard
a distant helicopter buzzing east

I cup my left ear to hear the sounds in the proposed silence
and they are magnified
almost sound as if a hundred crickets are singing me to sleep

This absence of noise is welcome
my ears need a break
my mind needs space
my heart needs to feel, ache, mend, hope.

 

 

 

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February 20, 2016 · 10:02 am

Get the Balance Right

Is it possible to ever get the balance right? Things are off-kilter, ignored, put off, unattainable at the moment, time the ever opponent. My perfectionist personality does not help. Failure is no longer an option and neither is guilt or self-deprecation. It is what it is. And I’m sorry to those of you I have not connected with lately.

Eighteen hours a day working, sleeping, prepping for the two. Which leaves six for chores, errands, food prep, quality time with little Boo, exercise, meditation/prayer/gratitude, and personal hygiene/beauty. So what has fallen by the wayside? Writing. Creating. Connecting with friends and family. Shaving.

And I’m a horrible phone person. I rarely pick up the phone. I have been reprimanded about this at various times. I don’t love the phone. I can’t read the lips of the person speaking on the other line. Can’t see their body language. Hell sometimes can’t hear what they are saying. And because of the demands of life I am a multi-tasker (like so many of us these days). It is easier to have conversations via text with several people at the same time while doing the laundry, dishes, hitting the can. But yes I am fully aware that an uninterrupted phone conversation is important. And I am calling my mom as soon as I finish this.

I made time to catch the sunset on the beach twice this week. It had been too long. Today I am writing. Tomorrow I will catch up with an old friend.

When little Boo was a baby I knew that phase of our lives would be fleeting. There were days that were long and filled with crying and poop, but in between those moments were the giggles and cuddles and chubby legs learning to walk. Now that baby is almost as tall as me and it happened in the swish of a horse’s tail.

I am forever grateful that I am able to see him daily as I assistant teach in his classroom. This will be a year looked upon with great pride and nostalgia when he is out of my daily sights and starting his own career and path in life.

So when I think about all the things I can’t seem to find the time or energy to accomplish I need to cut myself a freaking break. We do what we can.

I was alone when I viewed this spectacular sunset. Now let’s watch it together : )

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Taken with iPhone 5, west coast FL, no editing.

 

 

 

 

 

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November 27, 2015 · 9:02 am

Repetitive Thoughts= Birth of Creativity or Insanity?

If I wrote the same thing over and over would it start to somehow make sense? Would what I really want to write, what is in there as far as fiction is concerned, finally make its appearance?

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It is very difficult for me to find the time to write most weekdays and some weekends. But with this week off for Thanksgiving/Fall break I have actually had the time and have sat down every single morning to create.

It’s not that I am unhappy with what I’ve written. Not at all. I would just love that itch of writing fiction again to be scratched. But it’s been so long I don’t know quite how to start.

I don’t want to go all insane like Jack.

So I’ll just have this slightly embarrassing blog talk to anyone who happens to read. Thanks for listening.

All work and no play……

 

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November 24, 2015 · 10:08 am

Frustration of Artists

It’s easy to get frustrated with your art. The paintings aren’t selling. There’s two people in the audience. There’s one “like” on your latest blog post.

I’ve been blessed to be acquainted with and very close to some various artists. Singers, musicians, actors, filmmakers, painters, writers. We are drawn to each other.

Regardless of the sometimes lack of response or accolades these people continue to create. Because stopping creating is worse than hearing a cricket in the audience. It would mean giving up.

We don’t do it for the money. We don’t do it to be famous. Although a little bit of that would be nice! We don’t do it to inflate our egos. Because if we did, our art wouldn’t be real. As I type on this keyboard now it feels good. Even if no one reads it.

I’ve given up thinking I could make a real living at writing. And maybe that’s sad and maybe that’s also like giving up. But if I don’t put that kind of pressure on myself then I can just create to create. Because it’s been a part of me since I can remember.

And I thank those who do read. And I hope I can make someone smile, or laugh, or find a different perspective.

Perhaps I will make a living out of it one day. But right now I’m just gonna write when time allows and when my brain, soul, and fingers get that itch. And in the meantime help the kids in class learn how to spell and fill them with the confidence to follow their own passions.

I consoled one of them the other day when she was upset that the other classmates were on her for not doing exactly what they were doing in the Thanksgiving production.

“You be you, ” I said. “You just be you.”

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November 22, 2015 · 10:11 am

The Creative Tap

I’m having one of those writer moments where everything I type is crap. I actually have time and a quiet place to write. A hundred thoughts going through my head. But nothing is coming out of my creative tap.

I avoided the computer all afternoon yesterday. Instead I watched a marathon of my new favorite show Master of None. Now there are no more episodes to watch because I finished two entire seasons sitting on my recliner in my “house dress“. But it felt good to be lazy. It rarely happens.

The boy (my son) is with his dad for a week. So there are no video games being played. No begging for playdates. No requests for food. Cherry Pearl (the dog) is also with dad. If you dropped a piece of popcorn you could hear it hit the tile. And it would stay there until I noticed it.

The branches outside are dripping with fat, glistening droplets of rain. The sun is trying to peek through a band of cloud cover that has hung over the city for 48 hours.

Nature’s tap is also forever changing. Flowing, dripping, drying, clogging, peeking, gleaming.

I think one of the reasons I love my alone time so much is that I am surrounded with an abundance and overflow of energy and stimulation every day for 9 hours nonstop. Then I get home and there are always chores to be done.

This energy keeps me alive and mostly sane but there are moments I need to just look at a tree branch dancing in the wind. Or a pelican dive for fish. Or a twinkling string of stars on the occasions I actually look up at the night sky.

I need nature’s tap to regroup, gather inspiration, pause in stillness. And to keep my creative tap flowing.

What inspires you? What keeps you level-headed and able to create freely?

97040-full Photo courtesy of Frederic J. Brown/AFP/Getty Images

 

 

 

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October 17, 2015 · 11:20 am

Three-Day Weekend

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I have a three-day weekend. For the time being I’m going to ignore the messy yard, the laundry, the school projects, and the emails I need to tend to. I’m letting the sun warm my body as it blasts through the sliding glass door. I’m going to stay in my jammies til at least noon.

Yesterday afternoon was a bit of a train wreck at work. One kid in particular was wearing my nerves so thin I actually had to pause and put my head down and regroup lest I pull out my hair or turn into my version of The Hulk. I had a day where I felt I hadn’t been a great teacher. I wasn’t getting through to some of them and my voice was a mouse fart against their elephant trumpeting and T-Rex stomping.

So I believe I deserve a three-day weekend. Reboot, please.

Sometimes three-day weekends put a lot of pressure on you, though. If you don’t have a trip planned (which would have been nice) you are immersed in your surroundings and all the things you know you should do since you have an extra day. Rest and relaxation is on the agenda. But wait, that bill… that email… the yard… the kids… my creative projects.

Maybe I’ll just pretend I have to work Monday. So Sunday night will be a grand surprise when I don’t have to set my alarm for the next day.

I’m half-joking about the pressure because I believe everyone should have three-day weekends all the time. Or at least three days off per week. People will ask less time off from work because they will get all their doctor appointments, etc. covered. More time with family and friends. More time for exercise. So in turn less time at the doctor’s office. One day less of work commuting so better for the environment. More productive at work because they are refreshed. More balance in life.

That’s my opinion. I won’t get into the reasons why it might be difficult. Let me just stay in my jammies writing, ignoring the chores, and listening to my son have a blast with his friends he only gets to see on the weekends.

How do you feel about three-day weekends? What would you do with that extra day?

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September 13, 2015 · 11:59 am

Clearing the Clutter, Freeing the Mind

I’ve been walking past this mess of a home office for months now. It might even be a year. Piles and stacks of papers. Cabinets of files which need going through, sorted, recycled, thrown away. I don’t want to do it. It will take so much time. And I don’t want to spend my weekend doing my very least favorite chore. I’ve scrubbed toilets before I’ve gotten to the office.

But today it’s raining. I have the house to myself. I have no plans. There is no reason not to do this.

So here I am sorting through months and years worth of bills, statements, photos, my son’s old report cards, instructional manuals for items I don’t even own anymore.

There are things which make me wince and feel that pang in my gut:

Old writings I never finished.

A song list for my all-girl’s 80’s cover band that disbanded after the second rehearsal.

Photos of me and my son when he was a baby. He’ll never be that cooing cherub ever again.

Pay stubs from various jobs.

Files from all my freelance attempts.

Scribbled notes to my husband at the beginning of our separation nightmare.

How had I let all these things pile up, disrupting my home’s feng shui? Well I hadn’t carved the time to tackle this mess. I had ignored it. Until it started causing me disturbance and keeping me from getting to my creative work and even my work work.

With every sheet of paper I let go (I’m sorry son I cannot keep every school work or drawing you ever did) and those that I angrily threw into the trash (Eff you, IRS!) as well as those I tossed into the recycling bag with relief (Those words I wrote to myself in that dark time that has thankfully passed) I became lighter and lighter.

And I came across things which made me smile:

Writings I did finish.

A photo of me in the community paper when I self published my children’s book.

Birthday cards and kind notes from various friends and family.

Sweet sayings and drawings my son created for me.

Those pay stubs from various jobs. Hey, I’ve done a variety of things in my life.

Even the loving notes and cards from my husband when we were together brought me a smile through the sadness of it all. Because we did have those good times and now we are back to being friends.

The clutter was a reminder of what I have gone through this past year or so. And how sometimes you have to go through the pits of hell to finally figure out who you are and be OK with it.

The past makes us part of who we are. But if we become confined to its clutter there is no space to move forward.

Now the clutter is cleared. My mind is free. And my office a blank canvas ready for the vibrant colors to come.

  

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