Left-hand Turns and other Driving Displeasures

Our family car in the mid '80's. Why am I the only one NOT wearing flip flops?

Our family car in the mid ’80’s. Why am I the only one NOT wearing flip flops?

From the backseat of our car the other day my nine-year-old son loudly stated, “You’re becoming your mother.”  I knew exactly what he was talking about.  We were trying to make a left-hand turn into non-stop traffic as a line of cars behind us became increasingly impatient.  “I hate these left-hand turns!” I cried out before my son made his unquestionable statement.  These were the words I heard repeatedly from my mother in the 80’s and 90’s, although she said it with a bit more exasperation and defeat.  “Oh I HATE these left-hand tuuurns! I’m NEVER gonna get outta heeeeere!” It used to annoy the crap out of me because she was so dramatic and aggravated about it.  But now that I’m older and an experienced driver, I completely understand.

Mom's preferred place in the car-- the passenger's seat.

Mom’s preferred place in the car– the passenger’s seat.

My brother and I would make fun of her, and to this day it is an ongoing joke.  We mimic that sentence that is still lingering somewhere over the streets of Antioch, Tennessee.  Even she laughs about it now.  It’s become one of those family inside-jokes that’s still alive with the next generation.  So when my son hears me say those exact words in a real-life situation, well he is smart enough to know it resembles the frustrated expression of Grandma.

Another thing that annoyed my mom on the road was the incompetence of drivers from a certain county.  Anytime a driver did something idiotic, like pull in front of us, or slam on brakes, or stop in the middle of the road for no apparent reason, my mom got a good look at the license plate.  And lo and behold, they were always from the same county.  “Rutherford County, I knew it!” She screamed in annoyed confidence.  They did seem to be the worst drivers on the street.  That was also the county were my mom was born and raised.

The only "vehicle" my Granny drives. Notice my parent's Lucerne in the background.

The only “vehicle” my granny drives. Notice my parent’s Lucerne in the background.

I don’t notice any particular county in The Tampa Bay area of Florida (where I reside now) that fosters incompetent drivers, although if you see a Toyota Camry or Buick Lucerne swerving about, pulling out into oncoming traffic, or going 10 miles an hour, you can bet the driver is at least 75 years old. And when this does happen you will hear me say, “Great-grandma Myrtle—I knew it!”

My grandma (born, raised, and still living in Rutherford County) has never driven a day in her life.  My mom won’t drive on interstates.  I’ve taken 600 mile road trips by myself on several occasions.  So with each generation comes more driving confidence.  But when I start getting cocky my mom always reminds me of the time I was just learning to drive and nearly crashed our minivan into a median.

My first car. Zero accidents. One break down. Two speeding tickets.

My first car. Zero accidents. One break down. Two speeding tickets.

I yelled through hormonal teenage tears, “I’m never driving again!”  My mom sternly looked me in the eyes and said, “Yes you will, Jenifer!  You have to.”  In her own shaky driving self-confidence she knew her daughter could not be scared like her or her own mother.  And I’m glad she said that to me that day.  Because I might not have had the displeasure of hating left-hand turns just like her.

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Last Day of 39

My last day being thirty-nine
last day in my thirties
but I don't want to cry
I reflect on a whirl-wind of a life's decade
the birth of my son
the first decade of his life
The friends that have come and gone
through grievances and harsh good-byes
some just seem to float out into the sky
The ones still within grasp
fill the empty gap with ardor and laugh 
All the sunsets of varying hues of orange and pink   
All the food enjoyed and wine to drink
Sometimes a heavy load I carried
sometimes I couldn't bear to step outside
But upon the peak of the mountain
and largely on the way down
a lightness and peacefulness come
and those waiting for me at the bottom
capable of so much love
Could I have ever predicted 
ten years or a lifetime of such
a glorious life 
I look up at the mountain ahead
take a deep breath
and climb
IMG_9501

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You Say it’s Your Birthday

Aww, shucks. My 8th birthday party. I'm in the blue jumpsuit, soakin it all in.

Aww, shucks. My 8th birthday party. I’m in the blue jumpsuit, soakin it all in.

I’ve always loved birthdays. I don’t know if it’s because my parents made such a big deal out of them or because I received a lot of attention on that glorious, cool October day.  Or it could be the presents.  Most definitely the cake.  Fluffy, white cake lightly topped with whipped, white icing is on the top of my special-occasions dessert list.  I never bake it at home or else I’ll end up like Miranda in that episode of Sex and the City where she’s bending over the trash can, eating the sugar slab she tried to throw away, then calling her BFF Carrie to declare she needs to check herself in at the “Betty Crocker Clinic”.

Billy Bob was sooo less annoying than Chuck E.

Billy Bob was sooo less annoying than Chuck E.

To me birthdays represent a day to celebrate your life.  It’s one more year of knowledge gained, one more year of not caring so much what other people think, one more year closer to it being OK to wear a muumuu around the house all day.

And let’s not forget the actual celebration.  On your birthday you can pretty much plan whatever party you want, theme, location (within reason), and the people who will help you celebrate.  As a child I had backyard parties, slumber parties, and fiestas hosted by Ronald McDonald as well as Billy Bob (gigantor grizzly bear character/banjo player for Rock-afire Explosion at ShowBiz Pizza Place before Chuck E. Cheese kicked his furry butt off the stage).

Aww, shucks. My 20th birthday party. I'm in the weird multi-colored vest, takin it all in.

Aww, shucks. My 20th birthday party. I’m in the weird multi-colored vest, takin it all in.

As an adult I’ve had patio parties, karaoke parties, girl’s nights out, and fiestas hosted by, well, myself.  As a bit of a control-freak when it comes to parties I’ve never let anyone throw a surprise one for me.  Not that it couldn’t happen, a-hem, but it’s terribly unlikely.  Last year I had a house party where everyone brought a dish to share and their own booze.  It was low-maintenance and fun as hell, supposing hell is fun, especially since my good friend Chris set up a light show and played DJ all night.  My favorite part of the evening was when I looked over and he was horizontal on the tile floor, laughing hysterically.  I love seeing my peeps have a good time.

Birthday #38. Let them eat cupcake!

Birthday #38. Let them eat cupcake!

Really I think that’s the best part about birthdays– taking a moment during the festivities and appreciating those rallying around you.  Did I also mention cake?

What was your best birthday ever?

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Welcome!

Hello dear reader, and welcome to Busted Flip Flops. Here we explore observations of life, musings about being mom (and sounding like your own), weird dreams, unpretentious recipes, ’80’s nostalgia, picking up strays (the furry and the non), and unfeigned poetry. Watch for weekly/monthly posts as these beach reads build and form like, well, a castle in the sand...

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Girls vs. Boys

Listening to my nine-year-old son and his male friends playing video games in the living room you’d think there was a major battle going on—not just with the actual game but with each other.  There’s yelling: “Come on dude, go up the stairs!”  There’s arguing: “Hey you already got to play him.  It’s my turn now!”   There’s name calling: “Come on, dude.  Stop being a drama queen.”  Just when I think I should go in there and try to police the situation they start laughing with each other, dancing to “Gangnam Style” from the iPod.  I continue cleaning the kitchen and breathe a sigh of relief.  Ah, if only female relationships were that easily transitioned.

They won't be looking much different at 80

They won’t be looking much different at 80

Even my husband talks about how forgiving the male + male friendship is.  How many times did his golf buddies rib him for wearing “Walmart clothes” and having “the worst short game since
Gerald Ford”?  How many times was he left out of a foursome because well, a fifth was just too much?  They even make fun of each other’s love handles, pot bellies, and sasquatch feet.  My friend Ken is good friends with at least two guys he had fistfights with over the last decade.  Can you imagine that happening in a female relationship?  Not a chance.

Wish I'd have learned this sooner

Wish I’d have learned this sooner

I still remember a “friend” in high school calling me fat.  Think I ever went to her house again?  If I were to get into a street fight with a girl I can pretty much guarantee we would not be having a beer afterwards (or Chardonnay in my case) while we laughed about the bruise I gave her on her porcelain face.  Chicks just don’t do that.  Call us a name?  You’ll never be invited to any function we ever host and everyone we are both acquainted with will know what a meanie that girl is.  Say anything about our hair, or waistline, or house, or toenails and we are sure to put you in the “Nasty Girlfriend Hall of Shame” forever.  I do have a couple of girlfriends who I’ve had major “discussions” with or who at one point hung up on me or vice versa and we are even better friends now than we were then.  But I really think that’s the exception.  And then there was no name calling or hair pulling.  To this day when I hit the bag at kickboxing I will sometimes picture the girlfriend I had during childhood who pushed me into a deep, dry creek bed and left me there scared and alone as the dark grey of dusk settled in.

So enter a different relationship:  the female + male platonic friendship.  This can be tricky, but when accomplished correctly ‘tis a refreshing thing.  Now if the male is gay that’s super because there is no anxiety over any attraction there might be.  Oh I have been attracted to many a gay male friend, but since I knew there was no chance in hell that took the pressure off and I could compliment him with abandon.  Plus what sweet arm candy when walking down the street, mall, etc.  But there is that chance he is a queen and then you’ve got more drama than the most theatrical of females.

They're all platonic now but what happens in a few years?

They’re all platonic now but what happens in a few years?

If your male friend is not gay then you have to be careful.  There is a chance that his girlfriend or wife will become jealous of your friendship and vice versa.  But if everyone is cool with it and there is no underlying arduous longing then it is a blast.  They can teach you how to fish while you tell them what their girlfriend really wants for her birthday.  You can call them just to say hey what the hell did you do this weekend and then cut them off because you forgot about a story you wanted to tell or your kid is screaming for you to wipe his ass.  They will not be judging you or stewing over this for weeks.  They will have probably cut you off first anyway to check a score or receive a call from their mother.

Two for the price of one

Two for the price of one

I do have two girlfriends who never involve themselves in the sometimes catty, petty situations that other more needy female friends do.  But then I remember that they are really men underneath their size 10 dresses and high heels.  I think they just might be the best buy of all because you get two for the price of one.  And if anyone tries to mess with you while you’re out and about they can take the offender to the parking lot and not worry about breaking a fake nail.

My buddies from a another era

My buddies from a another era

Now there is also another relationship which warrants praise.  And that is the young female + mature female friendship.  Since moving into a villa complex mainly consisting of single older females, I have become acquainted with, and quite close to, a few women who are old enough to be my mother.  They ask me how I’m doing, invite me in for tea, chat with me at the pool, go for leisurely bike rides around the neighborhood, and even cut a rug at various neighborhood parties.  I get to hear their colorful stories of growing up; they give me diplomatic advice and assurance.  They know how tough it is to be a mom.  They make jokes about the old crotchety lady who lives next to the pool and likes to involve herself in other people’s business.  I find in them a friend and mother-figure—a safe haven around the corner when my own mother is out of town.

So when it comes to female relationships of any kind it’s best to proceed with caution and an open mind.  If you find a true confidant and life explorer hold onto them gingerly.  And for God’s sake don’t say anything about their bad haircut.

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