First Crush. Love Bites.

The moment I saw her I knew he would fall for her. She was just his type- quirky with a tad of edge, a splash of artist, and eyes so deep and beautiful you were unaware of time for a moment. They overrode the scars on her face.

Within two days of meeting her he professed his admiration for her. Not to her, but to me. It would be over two months before he would tell her.

My son is eleven years old. And this is the girl he adores. I work in their classroom so I am present in their lives daily.

Oh god I feel for him. I remember the boy I adored in 6th grade. He was in my class and a local model. Well I think he did a jeans print ad and a cheesy commercial for Hills Department Store.

He was going to be the first boy I kissed. I had it all planned out in my head. We would attend the Homecoming game together. At some point in the cool of the fall evening we would duck underneath the bleachers, look into each other’s eyes, and press our lips together in a non-klutzy fashion.

Well that never happened. He didn’t show the slightest interest in rendezvousing under the bleachers even though we were “going together”. Shortly after that he broke up with me. For a cheerleader. Ouch.

I remember longingly watching him at gym class while he jogged the perimeter of the gymnasium. His thin, white legs keeping the pace with the others. Why didn’t he like me anymore? What did I do to make him go away? I felt a pang in my heart and a jab to my pride.

But the crush and the pain eventually slithered away, making room for more crushes and more pain.

My son finally confessed his admiration for his crush during the class camping trip. Somewhere deep in the woods he bared his heart to her. She revealed although she really liked him, it was not in the way he liked her. Ouch.

I tried to console him. But in that moment he wanted to be left alone.

They are pretty good buddies. And there is a certain effortless cadence to their friendship. Later when he was ready to hear my advice I told him it might be better they are just friends, as then they won’t ever have to break up!

But I see the way he looks at her during recess while she sits on top of the picnic table reading her geek girl novel du jour. I can feel the longing. The quiet desperation of seeing something you want so badly and having no words to describe why and knowing you can’t have that very thing you so desire.

One day one of his other friends asked if he loved his crush. There was a pause. And when I saw the look on my son’s face I knew. This was not just a crush. This was his first love. Or the first girl he felt love for. I both celebrated and lamented this in my mind as I so carefully remained unreactive.

Here we go, son. This is the beginning of that arduous, til death, glorious, horrible, wonderfully amazing, despicable, tragic, magnificent journey. Hold on, but not too tight.