Blogniac

Last night I had one of my usual half-awake-half-dreaming 3am bouts.  These usually occur in the middle of a good dream.  When I’m about to sink my teeth into a blueberry cake donut or when I’m about to have my body willingly held captive by a dark, handsome stranger.  Forget about the times when I’m being chased by an evil, angry a-hole with a gun, a hungry alligator, a tidal wave, or since childhood a raging tornado or hissing snakes. Those dreams are allowed by the R.E.M. to conclude at will.  Although lately I’ve prevailed against such stalkers.  In one I actually grabbed the snake by its neck and threw it over a cliff.  In another I challenged the gun-slinger by getting into my defensive stance, looking him in the eye, and saying, “Don’t mess with me.  I’m a GREEN belt, mother f*cker!”

Since I’ve been spending more and more time on my writing, I’ve been waking up at this ungodly yet peaceful hour with various ideas.  Some for short stories, others about what my next line or scene will be in the novel I’m unhurriedly creating, and of course several for future blog posts.  Last night I woke up from a dream I now can’t remember and had an idea for a daily prompt.

You know those cheesy infomercials you’d catch at, well, 3am, like the Ginsu knife, Sham Wow, or the Snuggie (I have one don’t judge me)?  Well what if you wrote an infomercial but instead of the Ab Roller the product was yourself?  How would you market yourself?  What would you say?  What are the qualities you could offer that maybe someone of less sharpness, absorption, or snuggly-ness couldn’t?

Here’s what I thought of at 3am, or something close to it (the darkness makes things seem so much more awesome).  Cue non-accented male voice-over and bleak, black and white shots:

Are you tired of a bitchy friend or a nagging wife?  Wish you had a nicer neighbor?  What about those mean restaurant patrons or that guy who never picks up after his dog?  And those people who go on and on about their ailments, politics, or crappy job.  Well have we got a refresher for you! (Cue up-beat voice-over and crisp, colorful images):

Fortune

My fortune at Chinese take-out tonight. Seriously.

Introducing Jenifer, the diplomatic Libran who is sure to bring positive vibes to any occasion!  She’ll be your listening ear.  She’ll laugh at your mediocre jokes.  She won’t hassle and will water your plants when you’re out of town.  She’ll be your partner on the loneliest of dance floors; she’ll sing decent karaoke and clap for you even if yours is not so decent.

But wait, there’s more!

Even with the crappiest of waiters she won’t make a scene.  And she doesn’t leave for a dog walk without at least 3 poop bags!  Her only complaint may be that she is tired but she will most certainly follow that with a “but I’ll just get a quick reboot later and be OK.”  You’ll never hear her start a conversation involving politics and if you start one she will most likely change the subject.  She loves her writing career/job/hobby and will gladly proofread you or your children’s letters and essays.

So don’t wait! Act now and receive Jenifer for the low, low price of inspiration and human companionship.  A handful of dark chocolates and a nice bottle of Chardonnay won’t hurt, either.  Order today!

(Cue really super fast kind of whispered voice-over with speedy, rolling text):

Discrepancies include and are not limited to: Little to no availability for phone conversations, sometimes doesn’t leave the house for days, occasionally wears pajamas til the early evening, at times just wants to be left alone, sometimes needs constant validation for her writing, may only snuggle for up to 5 minutes, avoids heavily crowded areas unless 1.5 to 3 glasses of white wine are consumed, requires monthly pedicures, daily intake of dark chocolate, eight hours of sleep with white noise, one hour of rigorous exercise, and reserves the right to be in a non-positive frame of mind one week prior to “that time of month”.

Blog now!

Note:  Wow, the The Daily Post at WordPress.com used my idea above (with a bit of a twist) for one of their Daily Prompts: As Seen on TV!

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